I really, really don’t like playing games when it comes to relationships. I don’t even know if I believe that they work. But I do believe in one thing, and that’s that girls should never be the ones to text/Snapchat/DM/call first in 99% of situations (okay, realistically maybe 95%).
Obviously, there are a bunch of exceptions to this rule, but I’m not talking about exceptions right now. I’m talking about “traditional” dating (or as traditional as we can be in 2018). You know, dating people that you would consider making it official with sometime in the very distant future if they don’t shit the bed. These rules don’t necessarily have to apply to fuck buddies, but since fuck buddies can encompass so many situations, let’s just say they do to be safe.
Sure, not texting first does leave you to wallow in that annoying ass waiting game (think Ginnifer Goodwin in “He’s Just Not That Into You”), but do you know what’s worse than the waiting game? Going out on a limb and still having to wait for a response, and feeling like a complete moron unable to focus on anything else until you get a text back (If you’ve seen the aforementioned film, you know what this looks like).
We all know that guys are cocky fucks, so there’s no chance you not hitting him up first will make him think you’re no longer into him, don’t worry. After all, just think of all the dudes who consistently text you once a month that you haven’t responded to since 2014 (if you’re not familiar with this phenomenon, read this article).
I don’t believe in “playing” hard to get, I believe in being hard to get. And if you don’t go out of your way to hit a guy up first, it’s easy for him to slip your mind while you pursue other, more worthwhile endeavors (think: that big promotion, your new vegan lifestyle, caring for a succulent) instead of wasting your time wondering what he’s so busy with.
Also, let’s be real with ourselves—in most cases, the more consistently you text a dude, the closer you feel to him. If you’re having good text banter with a dude 24/7, you probably forget about all other dudes on your roster. On the other hand, if a dude hardly texts you/makes you carry the entire convo, it’s a lot easier to forget about him and become preoccupied fantasizing about your future with the cute cashier at Trader Joe’s. I don’t make the rules, sorry.
But knowing that you’d be better off not texting a guy first might not be enough, and you might find “excuses” to hit up Jason from your last Hamptons weekend before he hits you up. Here are six bullshit texting-first excuses that I will not let you get away with, because I care about you!
1. To Confirm You’re Still “On” For Tonight
If you feel the need to confirm your plans with him for tonight/tomorrow/this afternoon, you already lost.
If the plans were tentative to begin with, (eg: he told you he’d “love to grab a drink Tuesday, but will have to see what time I get off of work”), those aren’t plans you need to confirm. Those are plans he needs to confirm if he wants to see your ass.
And if he doesn’t confirm/doesn’t hit you up all day, make your own plans – even if those plans involve snuggling up with Netflix and going to bed at 10 PM.
If he hits you up at 9:45 saying he had a busy day and can still come over if you’re free, tell him you’re not free anymore! Your ass does not wait around for a dude – especially a dude you just started seeing. Don’t let bad habits creep up early on, he’ll take advantage of it and you’ll end up feeling like a loser who’s waiting around for someone who may or may not bail at the last second.
2. To See If He’s Still Alive
One of my best friends, bless her soul, had one of those dating app flings where the guy acted like they were boyfriend-girlfriend for the first week (he introduced her to his parents and everything), then ghosted.
Don’t get me wrong, these dudes are the worst, but the way she handled it (against my great advice) just made her feel worse about the whole thing.
Instead of taking the L and accepting that he was one of those sociopathic dudes that jumps into relationships as fast as he jumps out of them, she wanted “closure” (a myth – read more about my feelings on that here).
One of the texts she sent that really made me cringe was when she texted him asking if he was alive.
What is the best cast scenario that comes from this?
He could text you back saying something like, “Yes! I’m alive. Sorry for not hitting you up all week! I’ve been really busy.” This doesn’t give you any reassurance that he’s still into you, and makes him think you’re “crazy” (which you’re not, he is, but still).
The other (more likely) scenario is that he still doesn’t respond, which is just going to make you feel even worse about everything!
Please, please, don’t do this.
And BTW, this may seem like a weird scenario, but I shared this with another close friend before publishing the article, and she said she’s done it too! So, if you’ve sent the casual “you alive?’ text, know that you’re not alone…but definitely don’t do it again.
3. To Show Him You’re Having Fun Without Him
This is much more common than #2, but equally as tragic. Generally, it’s not in the form of a text message, but in a Snapchat.
More specifically, a drunken video of you writhing along to some 21 Savage song in a dark club at 2 am while hammered.
What’s your goal here? For him to respond saying “come over?” For him to think to himself “damn, I guess she doesn’t need me after all?”
Guess what? There’s no way that’s what a cocky dude (a.k.a every dude) is thinking. Instead, he’s thinking, “lol, she’s drunk at the club and all she can think about is me.”
4. To Show Him You Look Hot AF
Similar to #3, but slightly different. Instead of a video of you out partying with dudes who play for the Eagles, maybe it’s a selfie of you before you head out for the night. Or worse—a nude/almost nude photo.
*DISCLAIMER: I am honestly not opposed to texting first with a sexy pic as long as you’re sending it because you’re feeling yourself and want to show off to a dude who’s A) already seen you naked and B) will respond favorably and appreciate it. If you’re low key sending the pic because you’re hoping that it’ll convince the guy he should pay more attention to you/un-ghost you/ wife you, please refrain.
Anyway, if you feel the need to “stick it” to the dude who is leaving you on read, just post a hot pic to your Instagram or whatever. Yes, your besties will know you’re doing it for him, but at least you won’t give him the satisfaction of directly sending it to him.
Better yet? Maybe some way hotter/smarter/richer guy will see the pic and scoot right into your DMs.
5. Because You’re Horny and “Need” Dick
Dick is cheap. It is not a hot commodity. You can walk five blocks and have 10 dicks (metaphorically) thrown at you.
Granted, these might not be the dicks you want in or around your mouth, but my point still stands.
I hear way too many girls trying to justify hooking up with a dude who treated them like dog shit because they were “so horny” and “needed dick.”
Call me crazy, but the second a guy treats me wrong, my lady boner permanently goes down for him. I personally can’t understand the girls who sleep with their exes, but I understand I’m in the minority in this phenomenon.
So, if your vagina has other plans than your brain, listen to me: THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER DICKS OUT THERE!
If you really are horny and want dick, hop your ass on Tinder, swipe for five seconds, and you’ll probably find a hotter guy to get with tonight than the scrub you were planning on fake-drunk texting tonight.
And if you’re not down to hook up with randos? Here’s a tip: masturbate! I heard this vibrator is amazing.
Anyway, this was a very long-winded way of saying that texting “i*m hooourny” or *eggplant emoji* to a guy is still not an excuse for texting first. Because if he doesn’t respond, you’re going to think to yourself, “damn, even sex with me couldn’t tempt him, I guess I’m not hot enough/fun enough in bed/chill enough/whatever enough,” and you should never have to think that way.
Again, there are obviously exceptions to this. Say you have a great fuck buddy relationship where you both only text each other for booty calls, or you’re seeing a guy that you know will 100% respond positively to you sending him a suggestive sext. That’s all well and good on occasion, but never ever do it with a guy that is still giving you butterflies — because butterflies are evil.
6. To Ask How [insert activity here] Went
I know, I know, why not text a guy to ask how his big meeting or tennis match went? That sounds like a nice thing to do, right?
Okay, well how many guys that you’ve casually been talking to do this for you?
Maybe they’ll ask, “how was your day” or something basic to try to keep conversation going, but there are also plenty of dudes who will text you all damn day without asking you a single question because so many guys are self-absorbed and socially incompetent.
Obviously, if you’re seriously dating a guy, he’ll probably be clued in enough to know when to text you asking how your big exam went or whatever, and you should do the same to him.
As for the guy you’ve casually been hooking up with for the past few months? Don’t waste your brain space remembering when his company softball games are, chances are he doesn’t even remember how to pronounce your last name.
Of course, if he hits you up the day of his softball game asking how your day went, you can feel free to ask him how it went, but you don’t need to go out of your way (a.k.a texting him first) to find out the enthralling details about how Becky from HR stole third base.
That’s a girlfriend-duty, and you’re not his!